Repeat Offenders.

A lot of the guys on these dating sites are pretty damn persistent. Or stupid. I always wonder if they are intentionally e-mailing me again and again and again, or if they just e-mail so many girls on a daily basis that they have no clue who they have already contacted. This is not a good technique. I don't know if they know this, but most people kind of want to feel special. This doesn't make me feel special:

Well Dan, thanks for shuffling the order of the words around a bit on your second try, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Here's another good example:

This one pissed me off from the get-go. Don't you tell me to tell you about myself. That's not how this works, jackass. It's very complicated, I know, but allow me to lay it out for you:

Step 1: Read my profile.
Step 2: If interested, message me.

That's all. That's really all you have to do. What you have illustrated to me here is that two-parter projects are overwhelming for you, so you just do one part of it all half-assed and then you expect the other person to pick up the slack. You are now making it so I have to go to your profile and read it to see if I even want to bother writing back to you, and then I have to reiterate most of what was in my profile because you didn't bother to look at it, and then send you the damn message. Since that's clearly a load of shit, I ignored your e-mail. Over the next three days you sent me three more e-mails. Now, did you forget that you had already contacted me? I don't think this is the case, because you did switch up the content of your e-mail drastically on your second attempt...but then you hit a wall. Creating two different e-mail messages short circuited your brain, so you just kept sending me the second one over and over, because clearly it is the superior message. What girl doesn't like to be called "sweetheart" by a stranger? Personally, I live for it, muffin.

Now here is a repeat offender who definitely sent me all this crap on purpose:

This string of e-mails left me feeling very Circle-of-Life-ish. It's like in the span of three e-mails you met me, we had our first fight, and we broke up. Except I wasn't involved in any of it.

Finally, there's Larry:

Hey Larry. So, I know that you read my profile because you made that hilarious joke about feeding me a cheeseburger, indicating that you know I am vegan. You have convinced me that dating you would be an absolute riot, I mean, think of all the jokes you can make in the future! "What are you going to do for dinner, graze in the backyard?" "We were meant to eat animals because they are made out of meat!" Just shut up. You're unoriginal and your joke sucks. Furthermore, I hate the use of LOL in any context at all, but you have gone and tainted it even more by slapping it on the end of that remark.

I didn't respond to that horrible e-mail, so you put Plan B into action. You waited a day, just in case I was the moron in this scenario and I needed a full 24 hours to fully appreciate your joke, and sent me ANOTHER freaking LOL. And an ellipses. LARRY, COME ON. Let me tell you a story. I used to have a roommate who laughed like a lunatic at every cliche joke uttered in any movie or TV show ever made, and then when a joke came along that was a bit of a thinker, she was silent. The issue here was that when she was laughing hysterically at the super obvious, stupid joke, she would send some judgemental glances my way, and occasionally say "Do you get it?", as if the reason that I wasn't joining her in her lunacy was because of my stupidity, and not my superior wit. It was really hard for me to not get all up in her grill and scream "I'M NOT LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUNNY! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!", but I never did that because I'm not great with confrontation. However, Larry, this blog empowers me to tell you that you really, really, really are not funny. I am funny. You are not funny. Just me.

If it weren't for my incredible morals, I'd be an excellent cyber bully. Similarly, if it weren't for my many insecurities, I'd be super conceded.

Good riddance, Lar.

Deleted.