$cash$

Well, last night the hubcaps were stolen off of my highly desirable 2001 Toyota Corolla and then I went to sleep only to have a horrifying dream that I was bleeding out of my belly button and no one in the hospital would take me seriously and they put me in a semi-collapsed wheel chair that I kept falling out of and then I woke up and thought "this will probably not be a great day." Alas, I was wrong. Look at this e-mail, and keep in mind that this post is a two-parter:

First of all, buddy, this is a dating website and somehow you've made me feel like I'm in a J.G. Wentworth commercial. "Call J.G. Wentwoooorth, 877-CASH-NOW!" Also, I'm not really model material. And I believe the age limit on America's Next Top Model is 27 (not that I've ever even seen that show and I certainly didn't have to refrain from just writing ANTM because I'm so familiar with it.) So.... what's your angle? Let's check out your profile for a little insight:

Again, I feel the need to remind you that this is a dating website. Anyways, let's dissect this profile. Your interests are mostly just brands, do you know that? That doesn't lead me to believe that you are an individual with much depth.

If you are a professional modeling scout, as you say, then why exactly are you soliciting clients on a dating website?! You're not fooling anyone. Just because you toss an inappropriately capitalized "Professional" into your profile doesn't mean that you are one. I watch a lot of Lifetime, Law and Order and Criminal Minds, and if they have taught me one thing it's that this is the set-up for a crime. You know who would never forgive me for falling for this? Derek Morgan. Dr. Spencer Reid. ELLIOT STABLER. All important figures in my life.

I am, however, intrigued by all of this talk of financial gain and the many dollar signs you have used to confirm that you are indeed a professional and that a date with you would equal many dollars for me. Perhaps if this photo shoot could be done with some class, I would be willing to look past the fact that there's an 87% chance that you are the next Craigslist Killer, who I will fondly nickname eMurderer (like eHarmony, get it?).

Wait. WAIT. Not only will this photoshoot involve bathing suits and lingerie, but I have to bring my own?? No deal, eMurderer. That's where you lose me.

Deleted.