Love & Herbicidal Warfare.

Last night I happened to check my dating site to find an interesting new message. I was intrigued by this one because this guy did something new- he sent me a Youtube link to a song that reminded him of me. Hey, I can get on board with that! I like music. I especially like music that is about me. In fact, I am pretty sure that many famous singers stalk me for musical inspiration. (You hear me, Adele?! I know what you're doing. Strumming my pain with your fingers, singing my life with your words. It's cool, I guess. Something to tell the grandkids about someday.)

Anyways, let's see if this guy chose an appropriate song for me. I will accept "You Are So Beautiful", "Your Song", or "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor".

Arward, did you send me R.E.M.'s "Orange Crush"?? Really? Really? It's fairly common knowledge that "Orange Crush" is about Agent Orange, right? So, do my photos make you think of herbicidal warfare? Arward...are you planning to bomb my apartment with chemicals, thus smoking me out of my home and causing me to run into your arms?

Google thinks that there are many ways to interpret the lyrics to "Orange Crush", so let's give you the benefit of the doubt and see if any of these other explanations are a bit more flattering.

Theory #1: "Orange Crush is the most kickass orange soda on the planet! It's kinda hard to find, but once you taste it you'll never drink any other orange soda."

Theory #2: "In California where the 5, 22 and 57 freeways meet, notorious for traffic congestion."

Theory #3: "When there are three people in the back seat of a car, the two by the windows will shout "Orange Crush", and then crush the person in the middle."

Theory #4: "When an orange surprise goes horribly, horribly wrong, and an orangutan bites ones penis."

You know what, let's just stick with the Vietnam theory. First of all, I prefer Sunkist to Orange Crush any day, I've hated driving in California ever since I found myself driving the wrong way down a four lane highway in L.A., I have super pointy hip bones so just go ahead and try to crush me in the back seat of a car, and finally, I'm going to have to defend the orangutan because it sounds like you had it coming.

You should have just gone with this song, because quite honestly, it is more romantic than Vietnam:

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