Don't Trick Me.

You know who I really dislike? The tricky people on these dating sites who tamper with the subject line to make me think that this is a reply to a previous e-mail. What they do here is they go up to the subject line and type in "RE: RE:" a bunch of times, causing me to foolishly think "Oooh! We must have a dialogue going." and then I eagerly open up the e-mail only to discover that I don't know you at ALL. 
 

Tom. You diabolical bastard. Explain to me what would compel a person to stoop to e-mail trickery. More importantly, did you even put any thought into what you've done here? Sure, the false "RE: RE:" ruse got me to open the e-mail, but you must have known that I would eventually figure out that I was being lied to, and then what? The only possible way to pull this plan off successfully would be to write me an absolutely spectacular e-mail, causing me to forget all about the initial misrepresentation.

You didn't do that.

Your e-mail is rather childlike, and not in a charming or whimsical way. I wonder how it is that you have lived 30 long years on this planet without being killed by something like pine needles or yarn, because you seem like the kind of guy who should have met some freakishly idiotic early demise.

If only you had been a bit clearer on my options here, I would be able to respond to your e-mail and be done with this. It's like, are my choices "BOOM" and "What the hell!", or what? I just don't know. In the future you really shouldn't hesitate to lay out the options for the lady you are attempting to woo on their own separate line, in quotes, and with some unnecessary capitalization. Just a thought.

Watch out for pine needles.

"DeleTed."