You're Not Really Selling Yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if this blog is just my platform for cyberbullying. I have been thinking about that a lot the past few months, which is why the posts have been pretty infrequent. I'm certainly not trying to be a big jerk, and I try to always acknowledge my own character flaws whilst I tear somebody else down. I'm moody, generally angry with the world, too cynical to see the point of having kids, and flaky as hell. Having laid that out, I think to myself "Am I really in a position to judge men who send me emails including typos, bizarre fetishes, insults, and uncomfortable advances?"

I guess the answer would have to be yes. The problem is, the emails just keep getting worse. Here is what I believe to be a very general rule for hitting on another person: try to sell yourself. You don't walk up to an attractive girl and attempt to ask her out while you are wearing your beer-soaked Linkin Park t-shirt from last night's kegger, and you don't immediately inform her that you partied alone last night because you have no friends and that you can't wait to get back to your mom's house to shower off your stench. You don't. Right? So why do I get this email today:

I know what you're thinking. This really isn't that bad. Just bear with me.

Ok, so this guy is going into this telling me that he's predicting a total shutdown on my end, and he's letting me know that most people judge him. Why is that, guy? Do you think maybe it's the way you present yourself? Do you think it might have something to do with that little rain cloud that's floating over your head, or the cute little donkey tail on your rump? Buck up. You're on a quest for LOVE!

You give up hope, but hopefully I'll still want to get to know you. Did you give up hope or not? If I respond to you, will I be met with complete indifference seeing as you have already given up hope? I'm confused.

Well, shockingly, you wrapped things up nicely! You handed me a compliment, and then left fate in my hands. I'm slightly intrigued, you paradox of a man! Let's click on through to your profile!

Oh. I am really struggling to figure out why you are even attempting to use an online dating service. You know you don't have to, right? Is somebody making you do this against your will?

Now I'd like us to think back to the concept of selling yourself to a potential date. What is this man doing wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely everything. I feel insulted, cynical, and depressed. Granted that's pretty much how I am anyways, but still. Your help is not needed. I don't think I need to put a ton of effort into describing how he has failed, so I'm just going to make a list.

1. You think this dating site is a joke. You know that I have also signed up for this dating site and took time to carefully fill out a profile, right?
2. You say there are no normal people on here. Every woman who you take the time to email and who then looks back at your profile to decide if she wants to go on a date with you is ON THIS SITE.
3. You have been searching for someone special for months? You should write a book. That's incredible.
4. You enjoy sports and hanging out? Put that in the book.
5. I wonder if you're including the email you sent me earlier today in the category of "sweetest nicest messages ever". It was ok, I guess. But that's just me being generous because I'm only half paying attention to this blog and half looking at my dog who has cottage cheese on her face.
6. You make it clear that you do not give a crap about the first date. Oh my god please pick me! You're so dark and brooding, like Donnie Darko. Everyone judged him, too.

Look, I'm clearly losing focus making this list, so let's be done here. The cottage cheese is now on my dog's feet and tail, and I'm not entirely sure how it happened. The point is, negative guy, you didn't sell yourself to me at all, and I'm so incredibly uninterested. I considered writing you back and giving you some advice and perhaps a big old "Chin up, buddy!", but you also seem a bit angry and I'm a little reluctant to go there.

OH WAIT! BREAKING NEWS! I have just recieved a second email from gloomy doomy paradox man! Let's check it out:

Ok, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Plenty of Fish dating site, you are somehow notified when someone else on the site views your profile. I say somehow because I don't know how it works. I've never been notified, but I certainly have been called out by many angry men who can tell that I looked at their profile but did not email them. It always frustrates me when these guys do get angry because come on, I'm reading your profile to find out if I want to talk to you, it's not a fucking commitment cerimony. Clearly, this is what happened here with negative guy.

Yes, I kind of do think I'm better than you. I'm not saying this about anything specific, I mean, am I better than you at pool? Probably not. Taboo? I truly don't know. Dr. Mario? There's a good chance. Pictionary? YES. Uno?

I digress. The thing is that I am generally slightly better than you at life. I, too, often feel that a depressed donkey may be my spirit guide, BUT I HIDE IT. I buck up, put on a smile, perhaps I take a quick shower, recycle the empty bottles of wine, and I try to make eye contact with some cute guy on the bus. And if an attractive man should speak to me, I DO NOT shrug my shoulders and say "GOD, this bus is such a joke."

Deleted.

p.s. I intentionally chose the black & white Eeyore as opposed to the full color Eeyore in case anyone needed anything else to be depressed about.