Ho.

I have to admit that I woke up this morning feeling a little pissy, so I figured it'd be a good day for blogging. I know, I know. Sometimes I get pretty mean on this blog as it is, so going into it in a bad mood is probably not my best idea. Now that I've acknowledged that, let's move on.

Wha-what?! Uh, not great, asshole. Not great.

No Regrets.

This is the e-mail I got this morning:

Well, that's not a strong first e-mail. You're making me do all of the work! You've done nothing to make me want to read your profile. In fact, you didn't even say hi...you kind of just gave an order. You did say please, so that's something. I want you to know that I am going to go to your profile now, but not because you told me to, because I am nosy and need to know more about the guy who thought that was a good idea.

WHAAAAAAAT!?!?! I really did not see that coming! Wow. WOW. Where to start?

You are correct. I think that you are a scumbag. Please, convince me that I am wrong. Oh. OHHHHH. You're bored! I get it now. It's not like you don't have a physical relationship with your wife, you do, it's just that you're bored with it. Well, if she won't change her ways when you ask her to (and I am imagining that when you asked her you did it via e-mail, worded as a demand but with a "please" tossed in there somewhere, and you probably used the wrong form of your/you're) then clearly your only choice is to place an ad on a dating website for a mistress.

I'm not sure how it affects your scumbag status that you are seeking a married woman to have this affair with. Is it better, because you two can relate? Or is it worse, because now you're lying to two people? Do two scumbags make a conscience?

I do fully understand that you are in no mood for games. You have no time for that shit! After all, you have a wife at home. Probably some gross little kids, too. I imagine a cat. I only say that because I like dogs more, and I dislike you, so you probably have a cat. With a UTI.

You adulterous, demanding, scumbag. I do not for one second  believe that you will treat me like a lady, but even if I did, I can guarantee that I'd have regrets. Partially because I find it annoying when guys are too gentlemanly (don't push in my damn chair behind me as I sit down, you just end up hitting the backs of my knees and then I fall into the chair with no grace whatsoever, and then usually the chair isn't pushed in close enough to the table so then you start pushing the chair with me on it thus learning my weight, which I'm not ashamed of it's just private), but mostly because you seem like an absolutely horrible human being.

Deleted.

Glee and Puppy Mills.

So, something that I put quite a bit of emphasis on in my online dating profile is the fact that I have two rescue dogs. Maybe I live in some sort of hippie-dippie bubble where the term "rescue dogs" automatically means that I have rescued my dogs from a shelter or some crappy situation rather than buying from a breeder, because the term has caused some confusion. A shockingly high number of guys have e-mailed me asking if I train bomb-sniffing dogs, dogs who pull children out of burning buildings, or those dogs who have barrels of whiskey on their necks and rescue people from freezing to death in the Swiss Alps. No, jackasses. Other guys just zero in on the word "dogs" and think that they've made some sort of meaningful connection with me and send me messages saying "I like dogs, too! I just bought a purebred Golden Retriever from the pet store!" No. NO. You're just not reading all of my words.

I'm not entirely sure if this guy made that same error, or simply didn't bother to read my profile at all and is just trying to "sale" me a "puppie":

Let's get the yelling over with so I can just mock you. I checked out the Laughlin Kennel website, and you assholes sell over 80 different purebred dogs!? Are you aware of the dog and cat overpopulation crisis?? Approximately 4 MILLION dogs and cats are euthanized in shelters every year, that's one EVERY 8 SECONDS, and you sell purebred puppies. Do you know how much I loathe you? You love puppies like I love Glee. It's a super cute show and before I even realize what's happening I'm up on my feet singing and twirling around my apartment like a moron while one of my dogs nips at my ankles in an attempt to make me stop and the other frantically humps her stuffed Santa doll out of panic and confusion, but if I were to take a second to really think about the true cost of what I'm doing- supporting a bunch of overpaid crappy actors and squeeling with delight every time they destroy another classic song, while fully understanding that all kids ages 15 and under now think that Rachel Berry is responsible for such quintessential ballads as Defying Gravity and Don't Cry For Me Argentina- if I were to let my mind drift here for a moment, perhaps my twirling would come to an abrupt and world-shattering halt. But tra-la-la I just want to DANCE! Do you see what I'm saying? You, sir, live in a land where puppies jump on clouds and slide down rainbows into your open arms when the reality is that in the dark shadows of your rainbow land there are walls of rusty old metal cages full of hundreds of adult dogs who are used as baby-making machines until they can no longer function, and then they are killed because the bottom line is profit, not compassion. Just. Like. Glee.

Now that this has all come full-circle, I'd like to take a moment to mention that you have a problem with repeating yourself. Either you are very dumb or you think that I am very dumb. Stop it. I understand that you sell puppies (a.k.a. pain and misery) and like "wake on the beach," but something that you blew right by that perhaps could have used another sentence or two was the comment "I love to get married." Do you now? Is it a hobby? Perhaps you could start a bride mill where you keep a bunch of attractive people with qualities that you enjoy in metal cages in your backyard and when you've finished marrying one bride and you're hankering for another wedding, just euthanize your first bride and go grab a newbie from the back!

In conclusion, no, I am not available Thursday or Sunday for buying puppies, country dancing, wake on the beach, or marriage.

Deleted.

Don't Trick Me.

You know who I really dislike? The tricky people on these dating sites who tamper with the subject line to make me think that this is a reply to a previous e-mail. What they do here is they go up to the subject line and type in "RE: RE:" a bunch of times, causing me to foolishly think "Oooh! We must have a dialogue going." and then I eagerly open up the e-mail only to discover that I don't know you at ALL. 
 

Tom. You diabolical bastard. Explain to me what would compel a person to stoop to e-mail trickery. More importantly, did you even put any thought into what you've done here? Sure, the false "RE: RE:" ruse got me to open the e-mail, but you must have known that I would eventually figure out that I was being lied to, and then what? The only possible way to pull this plan off successfully would be to write me an absolutely spectacular e-mail, causing me to forget all about the initial misrepresentation.

You didn't do that.

Your e-mail is rather childlike, and not in a charming or whimsical way. I wonder how it is that you have lived 30 long years on this planet without being killed by something like pine needles or yarn, because you seem like the kind of guy who should have met some freakishly idiotic early demise.

If only you had been a bit clearer on my options here, I would be able to respond to your e-mail and be done with this. It's like, are my choices "BOOM" and "What the hell!", or what? I just don't know. In the future you really shouldn't hesitate to lay out the options for the lady you are attempting to woo on their own separate line, in quotes, and with some unnecessary capitalization. Just a thought.

Watch out for pine needles.

"DeleTed."

Baggage.

There are some really bizarre people in this world, and I think most of them are checking out the online dating scene right now. Here's a tip I'd like to offer up to the online dating community...no wait...let's expand that to every single person in the world: the first sentence that you say to a stranger who you are interested in getting to know should not simultaneously set them up to be insulted and make it clear to them that you have some serious baggage.

Hi. I'm fine. Oh wait, you didn't ask. You're just getting down to business. Alright.

Let's be honest. Sometimes we're all a little demanding. Like when I'm sharing a plate of french fries with someone, and then we both notice that there's only one fry left, and I want it. I demand it, you could say. Then there are other times, like when a friend and I order tempura fried veggies, and let's say that there are some mushrooms mixed in, and I don't like mushrooms, so then I'd generously offer those to my friend. You follow? I hope that answers your question.

Now let's talk about your issues. Another way that you could have worded this e-mail would have been "My ex was a huge bitch who seriously scarred me, you want in?" I just don't think it's a wise way to initiate conversation, and let me tell you, I'm a very awkward person who has attempted to start conversations by blurting out phrases like "I want to be you!" and "Has your horse ever had babies?", so this isn't coming from a place of judgement, but rather from a place of understanding. You see, with online dating you have the advantage of not having to be quick on your feet. So relax, take a breather, and quite honestly, try a little bit harder.

Deleted.

We Are So Similar.

You may have gathered that I don't like when guys don't read my dating site profile prior to e-mailing me. I'm not trying to sound all high maintenance here, but seriously, it's a paragraph of information that will drastically increase your chances of either a) sending me an e-mail that I may actually respond to because you have said something of some relevance to me, or b) save you from e-mailing me at all because you read my profile and saw that I am vegan, I care about spelling and punctuation, and I'm kind of a bitch. So this is the e-mail I recieved today:

Hi Corey. Right off the bat I'm gonna say that you should brush up on your spelling and punctuation, but you've really just made yourself such a target here that I can't be bothered wasting time mocking your obvious failures, so let's dig a little deeper.

You liar. You didn't read my profile. You just watched a Jersey Shore marathon, slammed your head into a wall and felt like The Situation, signed onto your dating website and sent me this piece of crap. We have nothing in common. NOTHING! And just so you readers know, his profile picture was a photo that he had artfully taken of himself with the help of his bathroom mirror, and he was sporting a white wife-beater, some gold chains and a backwards baseball cap. My photo shows me grinning widely while cradling my pomeranian who is wearing a fuzzy bumble bee suit. We are two peas in a pod!

Moving on. Corey. Let's discuss something that confused me a bit. Are you or are you not telling me that I am sexy? You felt it important to take the time to tell me that you are not here for that purpose, and then immediately after this you tell me that I am sexy. You want to know what I think? I think that you planned that.

It truly is unfortunate that you are the one guy in the world who wants to get to know me for me.

i guess i can learn 2 b like u lol OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SHOOT ME I CAN'T DO THIS.

Deleted.

Come On.

I recieved a few e-mails this morning. Generally I just delete one word e-mails without so much as clicking on the guy's profile. I mean, put a little effort in! But hey, maybe all you needed was one word to accurately convey to me the effect that reading my profile and viewing my photos had on you:

Um, hello? Hello? Can you hear me? No asshole, because this is an e-mail that you have sent me via an online dating website where the goal is to say something charming or funny which would result in my witty response and perhaps some intriguing e-mail exchanges ultimately leading up to a date. Instead, you sent me one word and either you suck with punctuation or you don't understand e-mail.

Deleted?


So I move along to the next e-mail. Surely it will be more interesting than the first...

COME ON!

Now I don't get any punctuation at all? Not even a little first letter capitalization?!

deleted

I am now numb to your one word e-mails. You're all idiots and I'm over this. I refuse to waste my time being annoyed by the lack of pride you have in the e-mails you send out to the world. You're on a freaking dating site. The e-mails that you are sending out are actually attached to your profile, full of your personal photos, biography, location, etc. But if you don't care, I don't care. I'm just going to continue emptying out my damn inbox and get on with my day.

Did you...did you just send me....an ellipses? Just...four...dots? What does that even mean? Were you so disgusted with my profile that you sent the ellipses to say to me "really?" You know, like when someone says "really" a bunch of times, while giving you that patronizing look, until eventually they don't even have to say the word anymore, they just keep on giving you that look, becoming more and more dramatic until you just want to punch them in the face? I don't know, that's just how I interpret this e-mail. I just see in my mind's eye a jackass sitting in front of his computer contorting his face into the most condescending expression possible, sending me some ellipses, and then I see my fist emerging from this asshole's computer screen and punching him in the face.

You know what all of this has taught me? Sometimes less words do say more.

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